Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Click here to see the overloaded basket!
My husband has turned me into a Gadget Girl/Tech Junkie. He doesn't like to admit it but he loves techy gadgets, and I think this might be proof. I have received all of the above gadgets since I have been hospitalized, but I must admit they have made life much more fun and bearable. Here are links and descriptions of my techy toys:
80 GB Ipod - holds up to 20,000 songs and 200 hours of streaming video!
Logitech Wireless Mouse - allows me to use computer while maintaining my bedrest supine position. My belly makes a great make shift mouse pad!
Cameramate CF Card Reader - all I have to do is pop my camera card in and Voila!, I have upladed pictures!
Energizer Flexible LED Book Light - I can use this while Jonathan is putting Holland to bed. It enables us to eliminate the bright overhead hospital lights!
4 Port USB Hub - this allows me to plug in ALL of these things at once!
Logitech Wireless Keyboard - this is the device that keeps me emailing ang blogging without compromising my position!
Thanks, Babe! I'm eager to see what you bring me next!
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
She is a mover and a groover just like her big sister!
My doctor didn't make it in today as he was delayed a day on a weekend trip so I have't resolved my steroid issue, yet. I should see him in the morning so I should know more then. I am feeling a ton better about it as I am part of a bedrest/high risk pregnancy site (www.sidelines.org), and I have received a ton of information and personal stories from women in my same or similiar position. Thank you sidelines ladies!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
My favorite Dr. Sunshine had mentioned that we would inject steroids as soon as I made it to 24 weeks, however when I asked my doctor about this he said we wouldn't unless we absolutely had to. I interpreted that as we did not want to make such a decision in haste and unless I started going into rapid pre-term labor that we wouldn't do it. This morning, the on call doctor came in and was ready to administer the shots today and tomorrow. He explained that it took 48 hours to take effect, and we wanted to do everything we could do to insure this baby had a chance in case I went into pre-term labor.
I didn't feel comfortable getting the shots when I haven't even had a lengthy conversation with my own doctor about it. I have found myself very conflicted about it all though. I think part of my fear is emotionally based - if I get the shots then it is as if we are all assuming that I won't make it into the high 30's which is my personal goal. However, what if Ido go into pre-term labor at 29 or 30 weeks? If I haven't given the baby every opportunity to be more developed then how can I sleep at night? What if I do make it to 36 or 38 weeks and my baby has developed typically - will there be adverse effects to having given her the steroids? Is this all a no-brainer decision? I just don't know the answers to any of these questions.
I'm so confused and so conflicted. Just feeling overwhelmed and not sure how to process all of this. I will talk with my doctor tomorrow and hopefully gain more insight. Until then, please pray that I will find peace this evening and rest well as I may be faced with making this decision tomorrow.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
If you think your life is hard, what are you comparing it to?
There is something so special about the team of professionals who assist you with bringing your first born child into the world (or any child for that matter). I remember the feeling that I got the first time I saw my doctor after he delivered Holland. I was overcome with joy, respect, and awe. I got warm fuzzies all over and my eyes welled up with tears. Since then I have always wanted to run into my labor nurse, and I had to opportunity to do so last night. She remembered Holland's name, and then she remembered me once she saw me. It was such a fun reunion. I shared some birth pictures with her, and told her how grateful I had been for her on that special night. Definitely my highlight of the day!
She was very excited to have things come "full circle". She is working tonight and will come by to meet Holland. So once again, I have something to look forward to. I'm feeling very blessed!
I'm not totally sure why I felt led to share that story except that this is a journal for me to look back on too, and I certainly don't want to forget the wonderful things that occur during this trying time! Thanks for listening!
What's your blessing for the day? I would love to hear them.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Dr: "I heard there was bad news on your sonogram."
Me: "Yeah, I'm a little shorter"
No comment. He hastily checked my lungs.
Dr: "Any contractions?"
Dr: "Any bleeding?"
Dr: "Still feeling baby move?"
Dr: "That means your still pregnant."
"Let's just keep doing what we're doing."
For those of you who are just tuning into my blog, you can find my original post about Dr. Sunshine on Day 11 - just scroll down a few days!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Request DENIED. "you're cervix flunked", the warden said.
So, a second parole request can be made in 2-3 weeks.
Back to the slammer for me.
Monday, February 19, 2007
This is a picture of mine and Holland's first hospital art project! It is a bouquet of freshly stamped paper flowers. It looks so cute in my window sill with all of my other fresh flowers!
Sunday, February 18, 2007
I took this picture of Holland because I cracked up when she and Jonathan walked in this morning. What in the world did my husband let her walk out of the house in? A tierra, purple lensed glasses, a fun snail necklace, a Dora t-shirt, and jeans with embroidered white flowers on them. Now don't get me wrong, I love all of these items - it's just the combination of them together that I have issues with.
Those of you who know me, know that I like to dress Holland a certain way! This just happens to be quite different from "my way". However, since I am learning to let go - I had no choice but to look at the smile on her face and realize that she found great joy in putting together that ensemble!
For now, I will try and surrender my need to control how she dresses and let her have a little fun with it! I can't promise I will continue with this attitude once I am up and about, but who knows crazier things have happened!
Is the computer a necessary evil or is it an absolute necessity?
It seems like it is a little of both. Maybe an absolute evil necessity. Or a necessary absolute evil. Not sure, but definitely something to think about. It is ironic to me that the one thing that I get frustrated with Jonathan about is the computer. He absolutely has no time management skills when it comes to the computer (and he will admit this). He will jump online to get a phone number to order a pizza or something and he emerges from the computer room two hours later without having ordered the pizza! He will bring the superpages link up to find the number, but while it is loading, he checks his blogs, publishes some posts, pays some bills, researches some fleeting thought that he finds interesting, sends some emails, replies to some emails, re-checks his blog, etc, etc, etc (you get the idea).
By this point, you probably have figured out that I am about to confess that I am now struggling with my own time management issues and the computer. I don't think I have even picked up a book since the computer was turned on 13 days ago. I haven't read my magazines, I haven't had quiet time to reflect, I haven't done any of the work projects that I brought to the hospital, and the list goes on. Why is it that the computer sucks us in that way?
I never would have thought I would have issues with "balance" while being laid up in a hospital, but that is clearly the issue. I need to find more balance. I need to limit my computer time by reading more, praying more, reflecting more, and just "being" more. So this is my goal for the week. BALANCE.
In the computer's defense, I feel like I must say that I have been very grateful for it. Had I not had it, my days would be much longer and I may have had to have been admitted into an asylum by now. So having said that, I think I came to a conclusion:
the computer is an absolute evil necessity!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Friday, February 16, 2007
A room with a view (downtown area and snowcapped mountain)
Room service 3x a day for meals and 2x a day for snacks
My linens are changed almost daily
My bed is turned down while I am showering
Daily house cleaning
Jetted bath tub
A pitcher of water by my bedside
In room refrigerator
Wireless internet connection & cable tv
DVD, VHS, and CD players
Fresh flowers everywhere
I can't forget the Gideon Bible (actually, I don't think it's a Gideon Bible since it's a catholic hospital- I'll have to double check on that!)
I certainly don't have all of these things in my bedroom at home - so that is my focus for the day! What's your focus of the day?
Thank you to all of the board members for lifting my spirits. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness.
I highly recommend "boa therapy" for anyone - not just the bedridden! : )
Thursday, February 15, 2007
This week my doctor granted me the privilege of daily showers (as long as I took more of a bath, maintaining a mostly supine position). Each night, I think about the following day and what I have to look forward to. After two days and two showers, I thought "oh, tomorrow is shower day", but then it dawned on me that wasn't a big deal because I had just had one that morning. I thought "ho-hum", "I need to focus on something else for tomorrow". Wow! All it took was two showers in a row and I had already forgotten what a great delight it was.
This may seem so trivial and so silly, but it's not just showers. What is it in your every day activities that you aren't appreciating? Your spouse's goodbye kiss? Eating breakfast with your kids? Driving to work? Afternoon walk to the coffee shop? Reading a bedtime story?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
8. I received a dozen roses from my sweetheart
9. Holland made a Valentine painting for me
10. I got tons more Valentine emails
11. One of my favorite nurses was on my night shift
12. Jonathan ordered take out dinner
13. A card was delivered to me today from my mom during "mail call"
14. My colleague/friend/boss may have a lead on someone to hire to take over my caseload
15. I watched sappy love stories on Oprah (I'm not an avid Oprah watcher, but today's topic was right up my alley!)
16. Jonathan and I had a TV date to watch a new episode of "Lost"
1. I slept until 9:10
2. Biscuits and Gravy for breakfast
3. I just read 6 Happy Valentine's emails
4. It's shower day
5. Dr. Sunshine didn't come in this morning
6. I crossed off my 13th day on my calendar
7. I just got some morning kicks from baby
I'll keep you posted through out the day and see if my day can maintain this sort of momentum!
Happy Valentine's to everyone! I love, love, love you all.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Baby is 11 to 14 inches long
Weight is about 1 3/4 to 2 pounds
Baby can hear and recognize mom's voice
Eyelids begin to part
Eyes open sometimes for short periods of time
Skin is covered with protective coating called vernix
Baby is able to hiccup
Footprints and fingerprints continue forming
Alveoli (air sacs) are forming in lungs
Monday, February 12, 2007
So, what I am asking from you is to share your story, your cousin's story, your neighbor's story - anybody's story! Do you know of someone in my similiar situation who has been successful and delivered a bundle of joy? I feel like I am needing to hear success stories today! So, just go to the comments section and post away!
Lots of love to you all and thank you so much for all of the encouragement you have already sent my way!
While Ashley takes a blog break, a reading from Dr. Seuss:
Sighed Mayzie, a lazy bird hatching an egg:
"I'm tired and I'm bored
And I've kinks in my leg
From sitting, just sitting here day after day.
It's work! How I hate it!
I'd much rather play!
I'd take a vacation, fly off for a rest
If I could find someone to stay on my nest!
If I could find someone, I'd fly away--free. . . ."
Sunday, February 11, 2007
"Mommy, can you put this in my hair for me?"
"Daddy didn't do it right."
"You are really in an awful situation, I'm so sorry".
"We have to keep this baby inside of you until at least 24 weeks."
"There is no chance of survival if the baby is born before then."
"Your cervix is so short, we really don't have a lot to work with."
"IF, we make it to 24 weeks, then we will start giving your baby steroids so its lungs can develop"
"We will have one of the neonatologist come in at that point and talk to you about all of the risks involved with having a baby that early"
"You have a raw deal" (or something to that affect)
Anyway, I think you get my point. He just wasn't going to give the smallest glimmer of hope. The truth of the matter is there are thousands of women who are in my situation every day, and they make it to 36,38, and even 40 weeks. I'm not even considered to be in "pre-term labor" right now. I'm not having contrations, I'm not bleeding, my water hasn't broken, and I am maintaining a stable status. I understand not wanting to give false hope to your patients, but "Come on...."
So, since then I have seen him a couple of other times, and he just brings a dark cloud into my room everytime. Somehow, he manages to get the "24 week" comment in every visit.
Well, this morning he came in and went through his routine: "are you bleeding?" "are you having any pain?" "do you feel like you've had a gush of fluid?" "has your water broken?"
I just want to scream, "Don't you think I would notify the damn nurse if any of this was happening?" "Don't you think I might push that little red nurse button?" "Don't you think you and any other doctor on this floor would have been notified?" AARRRRGGGGG!
I restrain from shouting all of those things and let him carry on, and here is what our conversation amounted to:
Dr: "Well, we have an ultrasound on Monday to see you if have lengthened anymore" pause
"We are really hoping you stay pregnant"
WAIT - Did I just hear that correctly: "We are really hoping you stay pregnant??" Could he have possibly just said that? Are you F------ kidding me? (Sorry Mom, Ted, Ursula) That's what he has to say? We are really hoping you stay pregnant? My jaw dropped, but what's worse is that he kept talking.
Dr: "22 weeks on Tuesday, that's good, but 24 is our magic number"
Me: "Well, actually I think 32, 34, 36, or even 38 are my magic numbers"
Dr: "Yeah, those are great, but we're gonna do a dance at 24"
UNBELIEVABLE. I'm in shock. I think the dancing is going to happen when I ask that he not bring his dark clouds into my room anymore!
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Old MacDonald had a Farm
Tonight while she was singing, the baby kicked a couple of times. Totally Priceless!
P.S. Do you notice my calendar attached to my bed? Every evening I cross off the day as we are one day closer to having a safe and healthy baby.
Friday, February 9, 2007
Yippee! I guarantee you that this will stay at the top of my list of "positives" occuring during this bedrest stay. This has made my day, my week, my month, my year! Now, if they would just hurry up and open....
Thursday, February 8, 2007
I didn't even know how to respond to that. I can't imagine what it must be like to loose someone so dear to you so unexpectantly. Actually, I can't imagine what it must be like to loose someone so dear to you expectantly. I have been very fortunate in my life and have not lost anyone except for my grandparents and elderly aunts/uncles.
When I think about my nurse, my heart goes out to her and my situation seems so trivial. All I have been asked to do is lie on my back for a few months. As I lay in the bed the other night, I once again was reminded that life is so short and so mysterious. I can't fathom my life without my mom and my daughter's life without her "mimi". She enriches our lives. So, I'd like to tell her that in case I haven't done so lately. We love you, Mom, and we pray you will continue to enrich our lives for years to come. I can't wait for you to meet your new granddaughter!
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
It's amazing how something so simple can bring such pleasure. This is one of my daily activities that I take for granted. Now that I don't have the opportunity to do it everyday, I miss it terribly.
What's your "simplicity" today?
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Let me just share with you what happened......
I was sitting in my cozy hospital room - the one that I am trying to get accustomed to as being my "new home" for a few months - the one that I have decorated with family photos, and my daughter's art - the one that I can look out the window and see my husband's office lights flicker at me - the one I have filled with bedrest multimedia and paraphanalia - the one I have made my "own", and a nurse pops her head in and blurts to another nurse "you know she's moving don't you?". My nurse looked a little surprised. Apparently, she was just hearing the news for the first time as well. I didn't realize it pertained to me at first, and then it dawned on me that she was talking about me. I sat up and said, "me? I'm moving?" and the tears began to well up.
This is where the staff lost compassion and lost sight of my perspective. I am a pregnant, hormonal woman who has been asked to leave her home and live in a hospital. I have no control over the situation. I have personal stuff everywhere that they are talking about piling on my bed and wheeling it down to another room. I have sent out emails to lots of people who are calling me on this phone. I was prepared for such a drastic change. What if I couldn't see Jonathan's office from my new room? What if someone calls and I don't answer? What if someone comes to visit and they can't find me? What if I just don't want to move?
All of these things were running through my head and I felt my blood pressure start to rise. Above all, I was pissed off because they didn't have the decency to tell me ahead of time. To prepare me. To ease the transition. To respect me.
My nurse sent someone in to talk to me, but she wasn't very helpful. She didn't seem genuine. Basically, she said this is just the way it is and we can't guarantee you won't be moved again. Welcome to bedrest.
Later on that evening, I did have a chance to share my feedback with the medical director. She was very professional, very genuine, and very apologetic. I felt validated. I felt my feelings had been acknowledged. I felt better.
So, my take home message now that I look back on the situation is just "be careful", "be compassionate", and "tread lightly around displaced, hormonal, pregnant women".
Monday, February 5, 2007
"Ashley, look out your window towards my office". I wasn't quite sure which window was his, but soon enough I saw flickering lights!
J: "Do you see my lights?"
A: "Oh my gosh! Yes, I see them!"
J: "We can send light signals to each other! Flick yours"
A: "I'm flicking - can you see 'em?"
J: "Oh yeah, there they are"
How cute is that? Have you ever flickered your lights across town to someone you love? If not, I highly recommend it!
Sunday, February 4, 2007
1 phone book
1 road trip journal
2 scientific journals
6 children's books
1 suduko workbook
3 peer reviewed research articles
1 expectant father book
1 real estate guide
1 far side cartoon book
Saturday, February 3, 2007
morning cuddles with holland
muffins for breakfast
holland's ballerina dance before she left for ballet class
removal of the 24 hour monitor
good riddance to the bedpan
permission to wear my own pajamas
choosing menu items for next week
gonzaga basketball game
family slumber party
reading Holland her bedtime story
late night "Lost" episodes with Jonathan
and best of all.....
my family close by my side
As long as I am in a stable state, I need not worry.
As long as I am not having contractions, I can relax.
As long as I am not feeling pain, I can remain still.
As long as I focus on the liklihood of making it further, I can find hope.
As long as I have faith, I can find peace.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Life is precarious.
I want to find peace. I want to know that I am not in control of the situation and be okay with that. I want to have faith. I want to rest and be calm. For these things, I prayed at 3:30am.
For those of you reading this, please continue to pray that I may find these things each day.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
My initial sentence: charged with a misdemeanor violation of the Incompetent Cervix Rehabilitation Act, found guilty, 3-4 month term in hospital, no chance of parole, no bail.